When your friend’s spouse is deployed…a list

Ξ October 30th, 2008 | → 14 Comments | ∇ Deployment Misadventures |

I appreciate the offers of help. I really do.

However, it’s fall, and the grass has pretty much stopped growing, so I don’t really need the lawn mowed.

And that general, “So do you need anything?” question just begs for the answer “no.”

But if you REALLY want to help?

Here are the top ten ways:

10. Come over at 6am on Saturday and tell the kids that it’s too early to wake up.
9. Then stay and make breakfast (from scratch) while I sleep in until at least 9. Preferably 10.
8. Run to the store at 11pm when I discover I’m out of diapers and can’t move because I’m holding poopy baby legs.
7. After a hard day, run to the store at 9pm to buy me ice cream.
6. And chocolate.
5. Come over at any time of day or night to kill a spider.
4. And a cockroach.
3. And anything that scurries and has a tail.
2. Figure out how to hook the new DVR up to the tv, dvd, soundsystem and ipod player thingy.
1. Run out and get me some cold medicine and a box of tissue, righthisverysecond before my head explodes and I am forced to wipe up the mess with leftover Chik-fil-A napkins because we are out of tissue, napkins, paper towels, and have only enough toilet paper to last for one more day, but only if no one uses it to blow their nose, and none of my children poop in the toilet, which would require us to use our reserve supply of Chick-fil-A napkins, which would stop up the toilet and then you’d also have to come over and plunge the toilet for me.

The Question Women Have Been Asking For Years…

Ξ October 28th, 2008 | → 7 Comments | ∇ Kids |

Chloe: What is Luke doing outside?

Me: He’s banging things with sticks.

Chloe: Why?

Me: He’s having fun.

Chloe: He thinks that is fun?

I’m sure she’ll ask that exact same question many, many more times.

I know I have.

Recipe For a Bad Day

Ξ October 24th, 2008 | → 10 Comments | ∇ Deployment Misadventures |

1.  Take one mommy with a cold coming on

2.  Add one almost two-year-old who refuses to nap

3.  Take family to Barnes and Noble

4.  Buy kids nice, sugary snacks, and hot tea for mommy

5. Sit kids down and run to get some napkins

6. Hear kids screaming and panicking.

7.  Turn around to see that the baby has spilled the entire cup of hot tea, and it got all over the other kids and their snacks

8.  Add several disapproving patrons who only care about the noise level and not the scalded children

9.  Mix with one nice woman who buys the kids new snacks

10.  Go home and wish you had a husband to put the kids to bed so you could sleep the rest of the evening

Thing I thought I’d never say #43

Ξ October 20th, 2008 | → 7 Comments | ∇ Motherhood |

“Did you wipe it on a tissue or put it in your mouth?”

The Demise of the Keurig

Ξ October 19th, 2008 | → 6 Comments | ∇ CoffeeCaffeineJava |

I would like us all to observe a moment of silence.

I was in a state of denial for a while.  I kept asking the kids who had spilled water on the counter, and no one ever fessed up.

But finally, I had to face it.

My coffee brewer had become incontinent.

And now it has gone to the Great Brewing Grounds in the Sky.

Keurig, you have ruined me for any other coffee brewer, and I will miss you desperately.

Until your replacement arrives.