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Ξ June 15th, 2008 | → 11 Comments | ∇ Win Cool Stuff |
I don’t know if this is my best written post, but it is my most read post, receiving multiple hits a day from various internet searches. I’m republishing it for the giveaway.
On Grief and Miscarriage
If you haven’t read my 100 things post, then you probably don’t know that I had a miscarriage in 2003. It’s been on my mind lately. I can go for months without thinking about it, and the heartache that first accompanied it is gone, but sometimes I can’t get it out of my head.
We were living in Japan at the time, and Chloe was a little over a year old. I had suspected I was pregnant before I was far enough along to even take the test, so by the time I got a positive result, I was ready to tell people! We called family and friends in the States, but waited to tell our friends in Japan until Christmas day, when we went to a Christmas lunch with people from our church. Then we made the announcement.
On Christmas night I was serving dinner for just our small family when I felt a wetness. I remembered that it wasn’t uncommon during my first pregnancy, and I forced myself not to run to the bathroom to look for signs of blood. I’d had a completely safe pregnancy with Chloe, so I didn’t really have a reason to suspect anything was wrong, and was really trying to trust God that everything would be safe this time around, too.
But it was harder to trust the second time.
But the feeling persisted, and got worse, and so finally I went to the bathroom. I sat down on the toilet and checked my underwear. They were black, so they didn’t really tell me anything.
Then I looked in the toilet water.
And my heart stopped.
And my throat seemed to swell so that I couldn’t breathe.
I went out and told Isaac that we needed to go to the doctor because I was bleeding. A lot. We called a friend to take Chloe, and by the time we got to the bottom floor of our apartment building my friend’s husband was there to take her. It was that moment that it hit Isaac how serious the situation was, and he not only made the connection that we might lose our baby, he also really connected to the baby for the first time. We hadn’t yet had an ultrasound and I wasn’t far enough along to feel the baby move, so the pregnancy hadn’t become real to him until he realized that it might be over.
We went to the base doctor who checked me and then sent us out to the Japanese OB/GYN who had delivered Chloe. They drew blood for an hcg test, and gave me injections to stop the bleeding and admitted me overnight.
And all night all I could think was, “Did I flush my baby down the toilet?”
I had to immediately wean Chloe, who absolutely refused to drink any form of milk or formula. The doctor gave me medicine, but I didn’t know what it was. “Chinese herbs. For bleeding.” I was told. I had the second blood draw for the hcg test, but I had to wait for the results. New Year’s is a huge holiday in Japan, and the country pretty much shuts down from Christmas until after New Year’s. The lab would not process my blood, and I had to go home and wait 10 days to find out if I had lost my baby.
If I had flushed it down the toilet.
It’s strange how your status changes when you experience something like a miscarriage. I suddenly felt like a cautionary tale. I could see the relief in some of the mom’s eyes, the pity they felt for me, yet they were so glad it wasn’t them.
Isaac was wonderful during the wait, and I fell in love with him even more. After I came back from the hospital, he told me, “I don’t really know what to do for you. What do you need from me during this time?” And he gave me everything I needed from him.
When the 10 days were finally up and we went back to the hospital, I was scared yet hopeful. I had scoured the internet and found stories of moms who had bled and hemorrhaged yet hadn’t miscarried. I went in to the Japanese doctor’s office and sat down. He looked at me and said, “No baby. Please wait outside.”
And just like that it was over and I knew.
I had flushed my baby down the toilet.
I felt incredibly comforted by God during that time. I felt like He just kept whispering in my ear the He was still good. I was heartbroken, yet He was good. I knew Psalm 139 and absolutely believed that God had created the baby to grow for only those few weeks, and it wasn’t an accident. God didn’t suddenly decide I was unworthy. He didn’t say, “Oops, Christy got pregnant. I’d better fix that.” No, He knew exactly how long that baby would be in my womb before He called her home. Why would He give her and take her away so quickly? I didn’t know, but I knew He was good and I knew she was in heaven and I knew I would see her one day. We named her Lily. And I sometimes laugh at the picture of me arriving in heaven one day to meet a son named Lily.
Some friends helped. They brought by food and snacks, and didn’t push but were just there. Most people made things worse for me. One mom said to me, “I’ve never actually talked to someone who had a miscarriage. What was it like?” As if I should be able to calmly explain what it’s like to flush your baby down the toilet just days after you’ve done it. People tried to be encouraging, and said, “At least you weren’t further along.” As if I was any less pregnant at 6 or 8 weeks than I would have been at 15 or 16. One night during our wait that Isaac and I had actually managed to enjoy and feel happy, a friend stopped by. We opened the door to discover his long, sad face, and in his best Ray Romano voice he said, “Hiiiiii. I just…wanted…to see how you’re…doing….” And then with his sigh, he leeched from us the small amount of joy we’d managed to find.
I went on to have two more healthy babies. And I still believe that while I don’t know why, God intended my baby to be inside me for only a few weeks and she now lives with Him in heaven. And I know that one day, because Jesus is my Lord and Savior, I will be in heaven to meet my daughter.
Or maybe an outraged son named Lily.
on June 15th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Wow. I really don’t have anything else to say. Your strength through Faith is wonderful and inspiring.
on June 16th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Oh, I am so sorry for your loss. You tell the story beautifully from your heart.
Steph
on June 16th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. I have had 3 miscarriages and know what you mean about sometimes not being able to stop thinking about the baby that was lost. I had my first miscarriage and then the week in which I would have been due, I had another. Thanks for sharing.
on June 17th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry for your loss. I have had 3 miscarriages and know that God knows what He is doing. I will have a nice big family in Heaven!
Interesting…I linked a post about the same subject. I’m linked up at #20 if you would like to read mine.
God bless you.
on June 18th, 2008 at 6:02 am
Oh, Chrissy. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing it with us.
on June 18th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
I had a miscarriage early this year. Your thoughts about it are so similar to mine.
I sometimes wonder what my little son is doing up there, but it makes heaven a little closer knowing that my own flesh and blood is up there waiting for me.
on June 18th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
I am so sorry to hear about your girl, Lily (or boy!) You seem so strong.
I lost my son in March of this year. We carried full term never knowing anything was wrong. I feel better thinking of my little Samuel up in Heaven as well…likely playing with your child!!
Thank you for sharing.
on June 19th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
I came across your blog exactly like that this week – by this post. I was searching for information on recurrent miscarriages and your blog came up. I have had several miscarriages and I am sorry for your loss. Love your blog!!
on June 19th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Sorry about the little daughter/son you never got to know… I’ve never miscarried, but at 11 weeks in my last pregnancy I bled like you, and spent 24 hours wondering if I’d flushed my baby down the toilet. When I had my ultrasound the next day, the technician didn’t really this wasn’t a routine exam and was calmly stating what she was seeing. I croaked, “you mean it’s alive?!?!” and promptly bawled my eyes out. Now I understand a little of the emotions a woman goes through in a miscarriage… I never did before…
on June 22nd, 2008 at 9:39 am
I had two miscarriages before my first child. Now, I have four kids but these first losses stay with me and i think about it from time to time!!
Moving post!
on June 23rd, 2008 at 1:01 pm
I’ve been through this 5 times myself and my heart breaks for any woman who has suffered even one loss. It’s devastating. I tell people that my husband and I have entire family waiting for us in heaven. We’ve been blessed to have 2 healthy children, so God has been very good to us.
Thanks for sharing your story. I think it helps women who are going through a loss to read the stories of others… makes you feel a little less lonely and a lot more understood.
~Wendy