On Grief and Miscarriage
Ξ February 17th, 2008 | → 27 Comments | ∇ Motherhood |
If you haven’t read my 100 things post, then you probably don’t know that I had a miscarriage in 2003. It’s been on my mind lately. I can go for months without thinking about it, and the heartache that first accompanied it is gone, but sometimes I can’t get it out of my head.
We were living in Japan at the time, and Chloe was a little over a year old. I had suspected I was pregnant before I was far enough along to even take the test, so by the time I got a positive result, I was ready to tell people! We called family and friends in the States, but waited to tell our friends in Japan until Christmas day, when we went to a Christmas lunch with people from our church. Then we made the announcement.
On Christmas night I was serving dinner for just our small family when I felt a wetness. It wasn’t uncommon, and I forced myself not to run to the bathroom to look for signs of blood. I’d had a completely safe pregnancy with Chloe, so I didn’t really have a reason to suspect anything was wrong, and was really trying to trust God that everything would be safe this time around, too.
But the feeling persisted, and got worse, and so finally I went to the bathroom. I sat down on the toilet and checked my underwear. They were black, so they didn’t really tell me anything.
Then I looked in the toilet water.
And my heart stopped.
And my throat seemed to swell so that I couldn’t breathe.
I went out and told Isaac that we needed to go to the doctor because I was bleeding. A lot. We called a friend to take Chloe, and by the time we got to the bottom floor of our apartment building my friend’s husband was there to take her. It was that moment that it hit Isaac how serious the situation was, and he not only made the connection that we might lose our baby, he also really connected to the baby for the first time. We hadn’t yet had an ultrasound and I wasn’t far enough along to feel the baby move, so the pregnancy hadn’t become real to him until he realized that it might be over.
We went to the base doctor who checked me and then sent us out to the Japanese OB/GYN who had delivered Chloe. They drew blood for an hcg test, and gave me injections to stop the bleeding and admitted me overnight.
And all night all I could think was, “Did I flush my baby down the toilet?”
I had to immediately wean Chloe, who absolutely refused to drink any form of milk or formula. The doctor gave me medicine, but I didn’t know what it was. ”Chinese herbs. For bleeding.” I was told. I had the second blood draw for the hcg test, but I had to wait for the results. New Year’s is a huge holiday in Japan, and the country pretty much shuts down from Christmas until after New Year’s. The lab would not process my blood, and I had to go home and wait 10 days to find out if I had lost my baby.
If I had flushed it down the toilet.
It’s strange how your status changes when you experience something like a miscarriage. I suddenly felt like a cautionary tale. I could see the relief in some of the mom’s eyes, the pity they felt for me, yet they were so glad it wasn’t them.
Isaac was wonderful during the wait, and I fell in love with him even more. After I came back from the hospital, he told me, “I don’t really know what to do for you. What do you need from me during this time?” And he gave me everything I needed from him.
When the 10 days were finally up and we went back to the hospital, I was scared yet hopeful. I had scoured the internet and found stories of moms who had bled and hemorrhaged yet hadn’t miscarried. I went in to the Japanese doctor’s office and sat down. He looked at me and said, “No baby. Please wait outside.”
And just like that it was over and I knew.
I had flushed my baby down the toilet.
I felt incredibly comforted by God during that time. I felt like He just kept whispering in my ear the He was still good. I was heartbroken, yet He was good. I knew Psalm 139 and absolutely believed that God had created the baby to grow for only those few weeks, and it wasn’t an accident. God didn’t suddenly decide I was unworthy. He didn’t say, “Oops, Christy got pregnant. I’d better fix that.” No, He knew exactly how long that baby would be in my womb before He called her home. Why would He give her and take her away so quickly? I didn’t know, but I knew He was good and I knew she was in heaven and I knew I would see her one day. We named her Lily. And I sometimes laugh at the picture of me arriving in heaven one day to meet a son named Lily.
Some friends helped. They brought by food and snacks, and didn’t push but were just there. Most people made things worse for me. One mom said to me, “I’ve never actually talked to someone who had a miscarriage. What was it like?” As if I should be able to calmly explain what it’s like to flush your baby down the toilet just days after you’ve done it. People tried to be encouraging, and said, “At least you weren’t further along.” As if I was any less pregnant at 6 or 8 weeks than I would have been at 15 or 16. One night during our wait that Isaac and I had actually managed to enjoy and feel happy, a friend stopped by. We opened the door to discover his long, sad face, and in his best Ray Romano voice he said, “Hiiiiii. I just…wanted…to see how you’re…doing….” And then with his sigh, he leeched from us the small amount of joy we’d managed to find.
I went on to have two more healthy babies. And I still believe that while I don’t know why, God intended my baby to be inside me for only a few weeks and she now lives with Him in heaven. And I know that one day, because Jesus is my Lord and Savior, I will be in heaven to meet my daughter.
Or maybe an outraged son named Lily.
on February 17th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
I can identify with everything you wrote. I had a miscarriage in 2001, after trying to get pregnant for two years. I too had a horrible feeling when I realized I had flushed my baby down the toilet. My husband reassured me by telling me that it wasn’t really our baby. By the time I flushed the toilet, our baby was already with Jesus.
Thanks for posting. So many women never talk about their miscarriages, and talking it out really does help others who are going through it, as I learned when I went through it.
on February 17th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
I had a missed m/c in September 2004. I had to have a d&c done on my birthday. It was horrible. The whole experience. The anger, the hurt, the fear of not knowing if I’d ever have a baby to hold and kiss.
God uses these times to pick us up, love on us and comfort us. Through that experience, I became much closer to God, and I can now be thankful for my going through it.
It’s awesome that you’ve brought it up. Just hearing others talk about their experiences can bring closure and healing to others.
on February 17th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your story. As I slowly opened up about my miscarriage, I learned how many other women had gone through the same sort of experience (each one being so unique). I found comfort in knowing that I was not alone. I also was not very far along…and every bit as much in love with my baby as my first child (then 2 years old). We named her April. I lost April before I met Jesus. In my loss, I met Him and shared my loss with Him, and fell in love with Him. God is good all the time. I believe that with all my heart.
on February 17th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
We had a daughter in 1990 and a son in 1992. In 1993 we miscarried and again in 1994. I also had an ectopic pregnancy thereafter, loosing a total of three. We never were pregnant again. I know exactly what you mean about some people being helpful and others saying something completely off the wall that would be both hurtful and confusing. I do not think a day goes by that I dont think of my three in heaven at least once. I dont think it is unusual to ponder your child that is in heaven. He or she is a part of you just as your children that are here with you are. You forever are his or her mother. I found part of the healing was to acknowledge in various ways that they existed and were important to us. There was a good book that I read after we lost our second child that was written from a Christian perspective that was very helpful at that time called Free to Grieve by Maureen Rank. I dont think we ever “get over” the loss of our children, we just learn how to walk through it and know that it is only by God’s grace we made it through those first days and weeks and months (and even years).
on February 18th, 2008 at 7:56 am
I had a miscarriage in November of 1992…my first baby. I was about 13 weeks along, and went in because I had some spotting over the weekend, at the ladies’ retreat. It was a humiliating experience, and I came out of the D&C dpressed, and angry. The worst comments were from my very bitter mother, and my husband who didn’t know how to deal with his brand-new wife being so depressed, never mind dealing with his own grief. We named the baby Bobbi Jo…some day we will see her. I can’t wait!
on February 18th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Thank you for your openness and vulnerability. I too have lost two babies from late term miscarriages. The Lord also met me in a powerful way and like you I have two names for a son and daughter. Thank you for your comments. Your site is awesome and rocks!!
on February 18th, 2008 at 11:28 am
This is very touching…thank you for sharing. At the time, it seems like you are the only one in the world going through this agony and pain; but it is comforting to know you are not alone. I
too have had several miscarriages, 2 failed IVF’s…I was never able to conceive; but that is b/c my path was through adoption. I was ‘meant’ to find my little boy and if that does not show there is a God…that there is someone out there looking out for each and everyone of us…I dont know what else would.
on February 18th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
I’m sorry for your loss – I’ve never had to experience a miscarriage but one of my best friends has gone through miscarriage after miscarriage and has yet to have a successful pregnancy or find a child through adoption. She has expressed a lot of the same feelings you did here. Thank you for sharing the story.
on February 18th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
This is such a personal loss – thanks for opening up and sharing it with us. I have two babies in Heaven – one was unknowingly flushed away and one was removed from the womb after I miscarried. Neither time was easy and there are never any words that make it “all right”. But for me, just knowing it’s not God’s final plan and knowing that we will meet again someday in Heaven makes it all okay.
on February 18th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your personal story of loss and grief with us. I have been very blessed in that I have been able to easily conceive and have healthy babies. We forget sometimes what a miracle life is; I am glad that you have found peace with your experience!
on February 18th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
I can so readily identify with the emotions you’ve been through. We lost a son at 18 weeks and then also lost twins at 12 weeks. We didn’t know we had been carrying twins until almost a month later when I still had a positive pregnancy test and later had to go in for a d/c. That one was so difficult because we wondered if the actions taken when I began miscarrying the first twin impacted the life of the second (not knowing I was carrying two). It is so easy to blanket guilt over yourself – but thankfully, God’s grace is so amazingly sufficient to cover ALL of that (and more!).
Your last comment just makes me smile though – we named our last two Joy and Joryn (girl and boy) – and sometimes laugh thinking what if it were two boys?
Ahh…well. Thankfully they are both enveloped in the presence of God and their names pale in comparison! 
Jolanthe
on February 19th, 2008 at 6:47 am
Christy-
Since you have had your miscarriage I have known several other friends and family members who have gone through it. I am so sorry because I know I said to you in Japan that “This is probably for the best” and “At least you were not father along…” I have often thought about you and remembered saying those things. I am so sorry.
Love Heidi
on February 19th, 2008 at 8:25 am
Christy, thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know that will be such a glorious, thrilling day in glory, meeting Lily face to face.
on February 21st, 2008 at 10:18 am
Oh Christy! I’m sorry that I missed this post a few days ago (my feed reader wasn’t picking up your posts??? Weird!)
Thanks for sharing such a personal story…it’s a loss I can’t even begin to imagine, yet one I think every pregnant women fears. I know I did. And I’ll certainly remember what to do (bring food and hugs)…and what not to say.
Hugs,
Jen
on February 21st, 2008 at 11:34 am
I had 2 miscarriages before my first child. Both were devastating. A mother is attached the moment she sees that positive pregnancy test. Now as I look back, I am so thankful for my 2 precious children!
on February 21st, 2008 at 10:47 pm
I’m floored by your ability to be so bravely honest about such a life-altering experience.
Reading through the comments makes me want to run upstairs, wake my three wee ones, and hug them until they giggle.
I can’t personally speak to losing a child, but I can say I’m so very sorry for all mothers who carry this pain.
Connecting this way must be theraputic (not that it diminishes the pain, but perhaps [?] lifts the feeling of, “I’m alone in this”); it’s amazing that you would step out in this public forum and share so much.
Smiles and prayers.
on August 4th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Christy, Thank you for sharing your story and for posting it on the web for me to find. We lost our baby one week ago and I needed your words of encouragement. I too believe God knew this baby would only be here for a few weeks and that it was not an accident and that this is not the end. We are optimistic about the future and what God has is store for us. I am also comforted by the fact that God is never late, He is always right on time!
on August 7th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Ashley, It is nice to find a more recent post. It was our 1st pregnancy and at 8weeks learned we were having twins. We at just seen them moving and happy at 11weeks by u/s at 12weeks they were the expected size but neither had a heartbeat, so my doctor scheduled a d/c that day. That was two week. It just seemed to happen so fast and were already so attached. You are right that reading about others helps to know you are not alone. We believe both our babies are in heaven now. We hope from the tests done on our little one to find out their sexes and name them. We plan to plant two plants in our yard in remembrance of them. This idea is giving my some comfort so that while they will always be in my heart and thougths, we will have something constantly growing and changing that will remind me of our little angels. Ashley if you check this blog and know of another more active blog on this topic, could you let me know? I have so many thoughts and questions that talking with someone else going through this would be very helpful.
on August 19th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I lost my precious baby a month ago .. and I flushed him by mistake. When I was bleeding over the toilet and as the blood clots were coming out I told God: you gave this baby to me and now I give him back to you, where he will be safer. But at the same time I had the thought and hope that maybe it is still there .. and since I was only 6 weeks pregnant, the baby was so tiny and I didn’t see anything which could be identified as a baby between the blood clots .. but when I went to the hospital and an ultrasound was done, it showed no baby .. at that time I was sure that it was accidently flushed
i really miss him and the tiny space he took in my belly .. but I know that I am blessed and special because God chose me to have a baby in heaven looking after me .. waiting for me. I am happy that the first thing my baby saw was the best thing .. the first thing he saw is heaven and this is all he knows =)
Thank you for sharing your story .. it really helped in my healing process
on August 20th, 2008 at 8:55 am
8*
on August 28th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
I have been haunted since 1993 with the passing of my twins. I think the thing that still bothers me to this day, is knowing that I flushed my 13 week; perfectly formed baby down the toilet! Oh God, does that kill me. I was so scared looking down, seeing a dead baby! I knew I was miscarrying; knew for a week, but I was just waiting for the baby to come.
My other twin, came 4 weeks later, but you could tell the baby went to be an angel around 4 weeks of gestations versus the 17 weeks. There was still a visible little tail.
I wish I could have taken my baby out of the toilet and held him/her? Maybe that would have given me a peace!? I just don’t know!!!!
In Memory of my BABIES!!!!
~Becca
on August 29th, 2008 at 5:56 am
Becca,
Before your baby fell in the toilet, his/her soul was in God’s hands and taken to heaven
on December 3rd, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Tihs is an awesome post. I can 100% understand how you felt as I too…flushed without knowing…
I however hadn’t told anyone. So I suffered in silence. Not sure that either is harder/easier just different.
I find very few women are able to be open about it so I think it’s awesome that you have.
on January 30th, 2009 at 5:26 am
[...] On Grief and Miscarriage | After a Cup of Coffee…Or Two [...]
on February 7th, 2010 at 11:27 pm
i had a miscarriage in 2009. me and my husband had only been married a few months and he had sworn i was pregnant before i even knew i was. when we found out i was pregnant we were to excited to keep it a secret. but then the terrible knews came. my husband was in Iraq when i found out i had had a miscarriage. i had never felt that level of saddnes until then. we already had names picked out and now it just hurts to think about it. My husband is still in iraq and i have yet to grieve properly. i cry often but its not the same when my husband is gone. There are so many people that tell me “oh your still young” but it doesnt help because it doesnt bring that baby back. i know that there was a reason for the miscarriage but it still hurts to think about it. there is only one person i am comfortable talking about it with and that is another army wife that has gone through a miscarriage. its not easy, everyday is a challenge and i have to keep my head up even though i want to just be in my husbands arms and cry. I know God had a reason for it, so i know i have to keep a positive attitude.
on May 29th, 2010 at 11:21 am
hey,Excellent blog dude! i am just Fed up with using RSS feeds and do you use twitter?so i can follow you there:D.
PS:Have you thought putting video to this blog to keep the people more entertained?I think it works.Kind regards, Reatha Woofter
on June 7th, 2010 at 11:47 am
Wonderful post. I am a subscriber.